must be bunny bashing day

I know I rarely post about bad things that happen to me here in this blog. Despite the logic that a little venting can be cathartic and therapeutic, I find committing it to writing and publishing the petty details of everything I perceive to be unfair in my life never made me feel any better about the situation, while also making me feel like a bit of a wanker for going on about it in the first place. However, I do admire people who are honest about not only their achievements, strengths, and joys, but also have the courage and honesty to share the vulnerable moments where they have been made aware of their weaknesses and limitations. Today was one of those days that I was made aware of my weaknesses and suffered for them.

About four weeks before I’m due to leave for Amsterdam, I discovered the bad news that my university did not have the funding this semester to cover all the expenses for my conference and will leave me $1000 out of pocket. Due to a misunderstanding of how to ‘best’ fill out my application form, I’ve been granted $200 less than everyone else. A colleague advised me to speak to the person in charge and all the way into campus, I prepared a gentle and diplomatic way to implore her help. That all went out the window from the moment I walked in through the door and she began with, “What do you want?”

I’ve worked in customer service for a bank and understand what it’s like when problem customers come in demanding things out of your control. I went in predisposed to empathising with her, after all, she just had to deliver the news to 100 people that they would be getting $1000 less than they anticipated, some of whom had already come back from conferences thinking they would be completely reimbursed, but I left feeling like a punching bag for all her frustrations. Sometimes, I wonder if it is that I try to be nice and apologetic about taking up their time that people think they can get away with lashing out at me. My colleagues and I at the bank used to really resent the fact that when nice customers are given bad news, they thank you for your time and leave, but arrogant ones who throw tantrums end up getting what they want.

I was really upset after the encounter, mostly at myself for getting so wounded by the notion of monetary loss. You know how the stereotype of females is that we love to shop and can’t stop spending money? I kind of wish I had a mild case of that, because I seem to be utterly incapable of spending money or when I do, I suffer from chronic buyer’s regret. I have a few friends like me, usually those who grew up frugally, and no matter how hard they work, how much they accomplish, and how much they earn, they still live on private label instant noodles. I definitely don’t think a life of superficial materialism and needless wastage is anything to aspire to, but unless I change my mentality, I will always be impoverished, in mind if not in wallet.

There’s a phrase in Mandarin called “潇洒” (pronounced “shao sar”), which literally translates to dashing and refined, but in particular, capture the sense of someone whose manner is elegantly unrestrained. I think my friend Fiona captures this term. She is far from anyone you would deem wasteful or ostentatious, I wouldn’t even think of her as a big-spender. But when it is appropriate, she is not afraid to enjoy life in style (as the rest of us cheap bastards sigh in relief as she picks up the cheque). When her and I used to share supply orders together from the US when we made jewellery as a hobby, she would always order the most beautiful, breathtaking crystal drops and metals and share them with me, while I was always too big of a coward to splurge on the high quality materials and end up with a pathetic collection of sad, irregular beads.

So I’m having an “I’m a loser” day, which to tell you the truth, I’m personally preferring to the “I’m a genius” month I’ve been having until now. I was fortunate that a colleague had scheduled a coffee date at the last minute so I didn’t have to go home and spending the afternoon alone. She treated me to Nutella crepes and choc-mint frappes, which has to be the best comfort food I could have asked for, and encouraged me to share my gripes about paying for my own business trips.

I’m going to call it a night early today, have a hot shower and curl up in bed with this hilarious chapter-by-chapter Twilight review my friend Rajita recommended.